Honor, Shame, and Valentine’s

I haven’t felt shame much as an adult.
Okay, I’ve felt shame as an adult, but not lately.
Being loved by a supportive husband, having great colleagues, and faithful friends have all led to feeling pretty good about where I am and who I am.

But sometimes the feeling of shame and inadequacy creeps in… or rushes in like a bull in a china shop!
For me…the bull meets the china shop on Valentine’s Day!

I’m reminded of a Valentine’s two years ago. It was my daughter’s first Valentine’s Day at preschool and we decided to get little (teeny, tiny) Valentine’s Cards and give them to her class. We spent the night before getting cute quotes from our lovely 3 year old and we thought it grand.

We dropped our daughter and her (OUR) Valentines off with big smiles on our face.
Fast forward to the end of preschool we came around to pick her up and saw a plastic bag filled with what the other children (THEIR PARENTS) gave to her.

I looked at my child to see if she was somehow belittled by our failure. She didn’t look or act different from when we thought we did good. The only difference in the car was us (the parents).

And cue in the shame.
There was beautiful cards, candy, gift-wrapped assortments, gold. Okay…not gold.
But I remember going through the bag on our way home and saying to my husband something like, “I feel shamed! I feel big shame. Did we mess up?”

Fast forward to last year. We were a little scarred from ghost of Valentine’s past and thought to buy a little candy kit for each kid. Standing in line at Target alongside other parents I found myself comparing our Valentine’s purchase with their own.

I caught myself doing this of course and thought, REALLY? THIS IS WHAT YOU’RE STRESSING OVER?

Fast forward to this year. We were at a classmate’s birthday party and I saw a bunch of parents standing around. Immediately, (for some UNKNOWN reason) I felt inadequate.

Shame.

SHAME?!

I am a grown woman with two masters degrees. I belonged to four honor societies. I graduated my undergrad early with magna cum laude. I have a degree called “Masters of Divinity” which sounds like it’s a character from She-Ra or He-Man for Pete’s sake! I’ve studied psychology, sociology, systems theory, and process theology. I can probably tell you what is happening to your brain, your body, and your soul as you are feeling a sense of shame. I can offer confession and forgiveness as an ordained person of the church and by Christ’s authority offer you the good news that all your brokenness and sin is forgiven. And I can sit down and speak about God’s love for you, and that this love will never lessen, never fade, and no matter what you do–will remain and reside in you–so that you need not be shamed.

But at that moment in time all that seemed to go out the proverbial window and I felt lesser.

Then I had perhaps a Holy Spirit moment. It wasn’t a major action. But I was given the courage to get up from my chair, walk over to the group of parents, and ask one question.

“So…tell me about Valentine’s Day. What are you planning?”

Immediately the floodgates opened…all the parents one by one told stories of how they too felt “lesser” or were somewhat apologizing about doing it “old school” (read: not giving gold and instead giving a simple thing).
And like that, the shame was gone.
Like that, the lesser feelings were banished.
Like that, they and I became “us.”
We were in the same boat.
The parent boat.

I spoke to a wise preschool teacher this morning who put things in perspective. She said that some parents are Pinterest parents and they find great joy in creating cool crafts and beautiful things that they can enjoy with their kids. And some parents are joyful when they find the 99 cent special at Target (this is me.) And both are okay–because both love their kids. It’s how we perceive these gifts. It’s how we GIVE and RECEIVE these gifts.

I know that there are going to be other days of shame. And some of those days will be much bigger than what Valentine’s to buy for a bunch of little kids, but I am thankful that in those moments of shame we can find solidarity and shed light on the darkness that shame can bring.

This Valentine’s Day–it’s not just you, you’re not the only one wondering or questioning, and we’re in this together.